Shapewear Shrinks Your Shadow


2 Feb

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By Adam Welsch
Cupid Intimates

Well, it’s that time of year again.  The world’s attention was drawn to Gobbler’s Knob in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania this morning in anticipation of the weather forecast of famed groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil.  Everyone wondered, “Will it be an early spring or six more weeks of winter?”  Like it or not, it looks like winter will hang on until the end of March.  For those who make it a point each year to hear Phil’s prediction (like the 12,000 people in attendance at Gobbler’s Knob this morning), the result was not surprising.  According to the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, Phil has predicted six more weeks of winter nearly 100 times since 1887.  What is surprising are the reports out of western PA that, given the annual growth in attendance at this event and the worldwide attention his appearance generates, Phil and his wife Phyllis (sorry to burst your bubbles, ladies, but Phil is taken) are seriously considering updating their looks.  A source close to Phil has indicated that the marmots are strongly considering adding shapewear to their wardrobes next year.

If you’ve ever seen pictures of Phil or any of his relatives, you can see why today’s smart groundhog would consider such a move.  The long winter’s hibernation robs Phil and Phyllis of their daily exercise regimen and leaves them quite thick around the middle.  Imagine the immediate benefits that a waist cincher or hi-waist brief could deliver to Phyllis’ midsection.  And, if the weather turned out to be particularly chilly and she felt the need for an extra layer of warmth to cover more of her fur, she could choose to don a bodybriefer.    With any of these options, not only would she be able to fit nicely into her jeans, she could do so free from the worry of the dreaded “muffin top.”

Which furry mammal do you think would benefit most from wearing shapewear?

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Now you’re probably thinking, “I know shapewear’s great, and it would work for Phyllis, but Phil’s a guy.  How can he wear shapewear?”  Well, the answer may surprise many of you.  Shapewear isn’t just for women any more.  More and more guys are wearing compression T-shirts and mirdles to help hide their beer bellies and love handles.  Phil could easily wear a compression T-shirt under his favorite Pittsburgh Steelers jersey and no one would ever be the wiser.

Given their proportions, they might maximize their transformations by wearing extra-firm control garments.  But they’ll have the choice to opt for something a bit less constricting, and as rodents new to shapewear, they’ll probably be more comfortable down-shifting to firm, comfortable-firm, or light control pieces.  Given their heavy schedule of Phil’s personal appearances and interviews each February 2nd, I’d suggest they go with comfortable-firm control options.  They’ll feel great all day long and still look marvelous.

Some of you might have one final objection.  “With all the burrowing that the busy couple has to do, won’t their shapewear start to ride up under their outfits?”  That’s an understandable concern.  Most women who are experienced shapewear customers can probably identify with the problem of “ride-up.”  But there is a solution.  Shapewear made with finished edges of silicone is now available that allows garment ends (at the waist, leg openings, etc.) to stay in place despite the most frenetic tunnel burrowing.  And unlike conventional elastic or silicone edges that are sewn onto garments, these directly-applied, finished silicone edges don’t create lines that show through clothes.  And best of all for Phil, Phyllis, and all furry mammals, the silicone edges breathe, making them cool and comfy to wear.  VPLs and embarrassing tugging would not be a concern next year at Gobbler’s Knob.

So, as you can see, nothing really stands in the way of Phil and Phyllis making the switch.  It’s 2010, and wearing modern shapewear is a comfortable, effective way to minimize one’s shadow and look great.  Phil’s no dummy.  In the highly competitive world of Groundhog Weather-Forecasting, shapewear provides just the sort of edge he needs to stay one step ahead of his competition.  General Beauregard Lee (of Liburn, Georgia), Connecticut Chuckles (of Manchester, Connecticut), and Woodstock Willie (of Woodstock, Ohio), along with many others, have been making the push in recent years to steal some of Phil’s February 2nd thunder.  If the rumors are true, next year on February 3, Phil and Phyllis will be able to sit back and rest on their ample backsides, instead of their laurels, confident that their Groundhog Day looks were as sharp as Phil’s prediction.

CC Image courtesy of Gilles Gonthier on Flickr / CC BY 2.0
CC Image courtesy of slgckgc on Flickr / CC BY 2.0
CC Image courtesy of Eddie~S on Flickr / CC BY 2.0

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