By Adam Welsch
Naomi & Nicole®
Lately, talk of zombies and a zombie apocalypse has been everywhere. No longer merely content for ghost stories, video games, and sci-fi thrillers, this topic is drawing consideration by more “academic” circles. For example, last week The History Channel aired a two-hour documentary called “Zombies: A Living History.” On May 16th of this year, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention published a post in their Public Health Matters Blog entitled “Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse” in which the author detailed an emergency preparedness plan that every American should consider adopting in the face of a zombie threat. It also discussed how the CDC would respond to such a cataclysmic event – particularly if caused by a virus like solanum. Since the U.S. Government takes this threat seriously, we, as a thought leader of the intimate-apparel industry, feel a moral obligation to do the same. So, what follows is what may be a first-of its-kind consideration of the types of underwear every woman should have on hand, should hordes of the undead rise and destroy civil society as we know it.
Let’s begin with the basics. Survival in a post-apocalyptic world plagued by zombies would depend upon one’s ability to continually evade the walking dead and, at times, fend them off. Panties that moved with you, not on you, and didn’t create wedgies during running, jumping, and fighting would be prized assets. So it stands to reason that your emergency wardrobe should only contain panties with a breathable, silicone finish applied at the leg openings. Such styles today represent the intimate-apparel industry’s anti-wedgie, gold standard. With ride-up not a concern, you’d have some flexibility in your choices of silhouettes; however, those providing greater coverage (the brief, hi-cut, hipster, and boy short) would likely prove to be the more practical choices, as everyone would be forced to wear clothes long after holes started to appear. And given the challenges you’d be facing, you’d want to own styles made with moisture-wicking fabrics.
For similar reasons, sports bras would be the best types of bras to have on hand during a zombie apocalypse. Originally designed as responses to the discomfort women have always felt when running with improper breast support, sports bras would provide a most comfortable fit for a life on the run, whether you’re smaller or more amply endowed. However, if you are smaller-busted, a compression sports bra – that works by pulling the breasts towards the torso – would probably be your best choice. These are usually designed as pullover styles, and the lack of bra-closure hardware would be viewed as a valuable convenience. For larger-busted women, the encapsulating sports bra, designed to provide maximum support by separating the breasts and individually securing them, would be essential gear. Through their wider, adjustable bra straps, optional underwires, and hook-and-eye closures, these bras would give larger women a comfortable, custom fit. Of course, like panties, sports bras made from moisture-wicking materials would be highly prized.
Finally, your intimates wardrobe would be incomplete without a few key pieces of shapewear. That’s right, shapewear. Of course, with food scarce and thoughts of “looking one’s best” a distant memory, shapewear’s role as a controller of undesired bumps and rolls would be meaningless. However, such garments would still come in quite handy for at least a couple of reasons. First, they’d provide invaluable layers of warmth at a time when staying warm would become both difficult and essential. For this reason, long leg bodybriefers would be great choices. In fact, any version of the bodybriefer would provide a great, all-in-one, undies solution, since it would reduce the amount of underwear you’d have to carry with you as you moved from place to place. Each bodybriefer could take the place of a bra and a pair of panties. In a pinch, the long leg version could even be worn as outerwear, given the amount of coverage it provides. Second, the fabrics from which extra firm control styles of shapewear are made could save the lives of you or a loved one someday. The high-stretch, high-modulus (the degree to which the garment pulls back when stretched) properties of spandex employed in these garments could be used to create ideal, first-aid tourniquets for those injured in battles with the undead.
Experts will tell you that, in the event of a zombie apocalypse, securing food, shelter, medications, and a means of personal protection would be essential to your survival. No doubt. But they’ll also tell you that having the right clothing on hand would be critical too. That’s why planning now to ensure you’d have the best underwear available is so important. So, please, pause for a moment and think – is your basement or storage room stocked with bottled water, canned goods, blankets, a radio, extra batteries, and the right bras and panties?